June 9, 2026

Archives for April 2011

A Peter Pan Complex

Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

In Elizabeth Gilbert’s latest book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, she writes that the term matrimony comes from the Latin word for mother. She explains that while she is childfree by choice, many women throughout history have chosen the same path, or maybe nature has allowed for it to be so.  Gilbert notes that, at any given time in history at least 10% of women are childless worldwide. And during the Great Depression, in America, the number was up to 23%. Today the number hovers close to 50%.

Does nature know something that we’ve all but ignored? Does it really take a village to raise a child? Gilbert wonders if maybe there are extra women around to be “sparents” – “spare parents” to help out.

Savvy Auntie by Melanie Notkin

The popularity of author and blogger Melanie Notkin suggests the answer is a resounding yes. SavvyAuntie.com celebrates the childfree women who lend a hand. It is, “the first community for cool aunts, great aunts, godmothers and all women who love kids.” I am a proud member of this auntie brigade, with three gorgeous godkiddies. Savvy Auntie instructs kid-free aunts on everything childfriendly, from the perfect birthday present to how to save for a niece’s education. A review from Kirkus says it best: “A chic guide for new and experienced aunts that establishes their valuable family role. Challenging the cultural stigma associated with childless women, Notkin creates a distinctive voice that draws attention to the value of an aunt’s role in families…Communal childrearing at its finest.”

Of course the stories of the famously heartbroken and lonely “old-maid” aunties persist, and are part of our literary history. But Gilbert writes that these are merely creatures of myth, “recent studies of nursing homes comparing happiness levels of elderly childless women against happiness levels of women who did have children show no pattern of special misery or joy in one group or the other.”Hence, it is always better to visit https://burzynskilaw.com/ as they can help you legally to resolve issues irrespective of being women of child or childless women.

Perhaps several works of fiction wouldn’t even exist without the help of aunties. Childless aunties helped raise and influence notable artists including: Coco Chanel, Virginia Woolf, Truman Capote, and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

From Gilbert we also learn that J.M. Barrie’s inspiration for the spirit of his forever, youthful fictional character, Peter Pan, was found “in the faces of many women who have no children.” That would be me. And I only hope my own role as a Peter Pan makes me a valuable auntie and an excellent “sparent”…

I’m flying!

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Kiddie (Free) Lit

Ever wonder...

Doing my best Andy Rooney impersonation:

Did you ever notice how almost every book for women these days is about weddings and babies? I remember when women couldn’t even have books.

OK enough with the old man voice. I’ve been noticing a recurring theme with many of my steamy beach reads that is not so sexy – the main characters can’t decide if they should have kids or NOT! The stories are not the fun and tempting reads that the back cover teases. These fence-sitting literary couples struggle to find themselves and survive debt, betrayal and various inane obstacles only to come together and live happily ever after. Then they go and ruin things by making baby plans.

The two chick-lit novels below include the “Should we? Or shouldn’t we?” theme:
Baby Proof by Emily Giffen

Fans love her sorbet colored titles on marriage and the great void that happens next. In this story, Ben, the husband who vowed he’d live a childfree life suddenly wakes up one day and – yikes — changes his mind. Now what?
Nanny Returns by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus

Four million readers loved The Nanny Diaries but when Nanny returned more people went meh? Not so much. Nan is back and fate has her crossing paths with her former charges, but can she handle a little cutie pie of her own? And will it tear her against-all-odds relationship apart?

A friend of mine mentioned that the childfree conundrum makes an appearance in Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. (A pre-Oprah Book Club copy is sitting on my shelf.) Franzen would likely freak out if he discovered his name on the same page as “beach read” or “chick lit” or “books for women”. Which brings me back to Andy Rooney…

Did you ever notice that people without kids have way too much time to read books?

Family Planning In African Poverty (part two)

Living in rural Cote d’Ivoire, running a development program I tried to educate the local women of the reproductive freedoms they could gain.  I often failed to find the words, however, to inform them of their choices in social contexts outside of our structured program sessions.

When, for example,  my neighbor, who struggled to feed and care for her seven children, announced she was pregnant with her eighth child, my heart sank.  How can I tell her that she doesn’t need to keep having children if she so chooses?  Is it any of my business?

She hadn’t come to any of my public meetings on family planning, health or sanitation.   She knew I was the woman responsible for the condom wave in town.  If she wanted to know more, I figured, she’d ask.  She didn’t so I kept quiet on the issue.

“I need more money,” she declared, over the wall of my courtyard.  Selling plantain bananas was not earning her enough to feed all the children or herself for that matter.  I was happy to share my meals  with her and her children but I wasn’t going to be there forever.  She had no husband or boyfriend, and had somehow alienated the female relatives and friends who normally would have helped her care for her children.

“Can I wash your clothes?” she quizzed.  I was very uncomfortable with the idea of a woman standing outside over a metal basin for hours scrubbing my clothes by hand, but my own knuckles were starting to bleed from doing so, and she was already washing all of her kids’ clothes.  I consented and it afforded her a solid extra income.

The new baby arrived without fanfare and life returned to normal, as it had been during her pregnancy – no baby shower, no well wishers, or delighted onlookers at the new arrival.  No gifts or photos or time off from work.  No beaming grandmother or mother-in-law desperate to show off the new prodigy.  She was washing, cooking, cleaning, mothering, selling plantains and mashing them with a six-foot stick, a wooden bowl and great rhythmic heaves in her courtyard as she always had.  The rhymes of her life remained, with the addition of another dusty fly-covered baby, dangling from her breast as she worked.

The Children of Cote D'Ivoire

I am so lucky, I thought, as I drifted into a nap on my porch to the beat of the yam pounding women.  I have so many choices.  Choosing not to have a child is a luxury not afforded the women of the developing world and having children gains them no extra attention or applause for their heroic efforts at raising them in difficult circumstances. The women of Cote d’Ivoire that I knew never complained about the burdens their children, but spoke of their sweetness instead.  They loved them, they cared for them, they delivered them in make-shift conditions and got on with their lives.  Children to them were an unavoidable, but fully embraced, gift from God – simple as that.

Childfree Vagina Monologue

Vagina Monologues Poster.jpg

A poignant and hilarious tour of the last frontier, the ultimate forbidden zone, The Vagina Monologues is a celebration of female sexuality in all its complexity and mystery. Celebrated as the bible for a new generation of women, The Vagina Monologues… gives voice to women’s deepest fantasies and fears, guaranteeing that no one who reads it will ever look at a woman’s body, or think of sex, in quite the same way again. (Random House)

Childfree vagina? Forbidden zone? Mystery?

Full stop. Catch your breath. Exhale. Inhale. Yes, today is April Fool’s Day or as we WNKers call it, We’re Not Kidding Day. Uh-oh, double entendre time. We’re not having children. And, no, we’re not pulling your leg. About having children. Or anything else. So… Despite the uncanny appearance of the “Childfree Vagina Monologue” blog post on April Fool’s Day, I’m really not kidding. I’m taking you into the mystery, the forbidden zone of the childfree vagina.

I’m ill equipped, you say? Not a very well qualified tour guide? Perhaps. That consideration for another blog post. For now, rest assured that our guide, Julia Tew, is quite well qualified for our tour into the forbidden zone. Soon enough, I hope, you’ll agree with me. View the “Childfree Vagina Monologue” blog post now!